So, this is it. I am trying this writing thing and not just in one of my many “have to have” notebooks. I am actually putting it out there and my mind is screaming as I write!
I am reminded of my husband’s fortieth birthday. He had always told me he wanted to go skydiving. So as he approached what I then considered middle age (I don’t now, I consider it still “young professional”) I wanted him to feel invigorated and young and do something daring and exciting together. So what better way to express that than to jump out of an airplane? It sounded good at the time and I conspired with other family members to make this surprise birthday trip happen. I was actually excited myself and rather proud I had the courage to do such a daring act. He, too, was impressed with my dauntlessness and bravery. He went first without a hitch and loved every minute of it-ready to sign up for lessons and go back every weekend. I, on the other hand, had to have my hands pried from the tiny opening that was considered the door of the airplane, and pulled out by my instructor-screaming the whole way-petrified of falling…failing…dying. That’s how I am feeling now. Putting myself out here…for others to see my soul.
After the initial jolt of falling from the plane, once the ripcord was pulled, and we were floating over the earth, I felt an immense feeling of satisfaction and wonder. The fulfillment of conquering the indescribable fear that froze my knuckles around the hatch of the plane became a giddiness of self realization that I had done it…I had jumped from a plane and floated in the sky over clouds drifting slowly to the grassy field below. That is how I feel when I write. That is how I hope this blog will make me feel.
I am writing, screaming in my head all the way because I am scared to let go, scared to be vulnerable, scared to be me. And at the same time, I want to try. I want to take the risk and find the satisfaction in knowing I gave it a go.